


solid as a rock rolling down a hill (before we smash to smithereens)

by morelenmir



Category: Red vs. Blue, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Competition, Crack, Gen, Kim Namjoon | RM-centric, Language, Mentioned Dexter Grif, Mentioned Jung Hoseok | J-Hope, Mentioned Lavernius Tucker, Mentioned Min Yoongi | Suga, Mentioned Sarge (Red vs. Blue), One Shot, Paintball
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-05-12 11:58:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19228702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morelenmir/pseuds/morelenmir
Summary: Church is screeching in English and Seokjin is howling right back in Korean, but louder."Why won't you fucking die Jesus Christ on a motherfucking salted cracker I can't believe thishold still you green fucker!" spews from the aggravated Blue as he fires and misses repeatedly at the man standing almost within reach.Seokjin hasn't budged a step, holding his paintball rifle across his torso with his shoulders thrown back. "The sheer disrespect! You're shit at following the rules of engagement! What's worse, your shit sniper rifle or your fucking shit aim! I can't even tell because you're just so fuckingbadat this!"





	solid as a rock rolling down a hill (before we smash to smithereens)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Runchrandom (infraredphaeton)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/infraredphaeton/gifts).



> Writing soundtrack: [Pure Sugar](https://open.spotify.com/user/1290081517/playlist/1ITZyzKajasph1lTFm8IIT?si=NFwx-OMDRv6WUCl5zA2fHA) playlist
> 
> Title from ["My Mistakes Were Made for You"](https://open.spotify.com/track/0Ls4WLphg1obbq7wTPiy7k?si=Os7CXEHsREyIeudipiq54A) by The Last Shadow Puppets.

“Hyung, fucking mother _fuck_ , I’m out!”

“Air! Reload, reload!”

“Jeongguk-ah, catch!” Jimin shouts.

He doesn’t pause in his run, snatching the twirling canister out of the air before sliding behind the boulder Namjoon is using as cover. In training, Jeongguk had adjusted so quickly to the armor there were jokes that he slept in it so he’d be battle-ready if he sleepwalked into an enemy camp. He drops out the empty air tank and attaches the fresh one in a single movement, fingers dexterous as he twists the nozzle tight.

His helmet tilts to the side and Namjoon can perfectly picture his concerned expression. “You good, hyung? Need ammo or air?”

Namjoon wiggles the nose of his own paintball rifle. “All good, Jeongguk-ah.”

There’s the sharp crack of a shot, making them duck, followed instantly by the echo bouncing off the tiny canyon’s walls. Someone curses wildly in English. Jeongguk snorts. “I think Jin-hyung is about to make that Blue totally lose his shit.”

Namjoon peeps around the boulder. “Jin-hyung’s not really doing anything,” he says conversationally as he lines up a shot on some dumbass in yellow armour standing out in the open. “Just taunting him.” Namjoon barely misses the shoulder plate and the yellow guy flinches with a shrill yell, hopping and looking around in every direction but Namjoon’s.

Taehyung is up a tree somewhere, cheerfully sniping around the feet of the Blue who’s shrieking at Seokjin and making him dance in place. According to the briefing, Church is the leader of the Blue team. For a leader he seems easily distracted, however; the fact that he’s standing less than two meters from Seokjin and _still_ can’t hit him appears to have completely derailed the Blue.

Church is screeching in English and Seokjin is howling right back in Korean, but louder.

"Why won't you fucking die Jesus Christ on a motherfucking salted cracker I can't believe this _hold still you green fucker_!" spews from the aggravated Blue as he fires and misses repeatedly at the man standing almost within reach.

Seokjin hasn't budged a step, holding his paintball rifle across his torso with his shoulders thrown back. "The sheer disrespect! You're shit at following the rules of engagement! What's worse, your shit sniper rifle or your fucking shit aim! I can't even tell because you're just so fucking _bad_ at this!"

Jeongguk giggles. "Hyung seems to be having the most fun out of all of us."

"Oh, I dunno." The dipshit Red who's actually yellow hasn't moved from his location for some unearthly reason and allows Namjoon to nail a perfect shot in the dead center of his body mass. The neon green paint splashes over his armor and he yells again, firing uselessly not in Namjoon and Jeongguk's direction. "I'm having a _great_ time," he grins, cheerfully bumping his elbow to Jeongguk's.

"Joon-hyung, leave some for Yoongi-hyung and Hoseok-hyung," chirps Jimin over the comm. "Same goes for you, Guk-ah," he adds teasingly.

"It's not my fault they're all pathetic shits at capture the flag _and_ actually doing things like using adequate cover!" protests Jeongguk while Taehyung snickers.

"I can see them both behind a tree to the northeast," Taehyung says, grunting softly as he shifts around in his perch. "They're daring each other to run to a different tree."

"We are not!" yelps Hoseok while Yoongi's shrill giggle briefly fills the comm with static.

"I saw you playing rock paper scissors!"

Seokjin's voice cuts in. "I've shot him three separate times without even aiming; how is this goddamn fool the Blue leader?" More laughter overwhelms the comm link and Namjoon shakes his head.

He peers around the rock. The dejected Red-who-is-yellow is no longer in sight, so he's likely trudging back to base for respawn. Church continues to futilely shoot maybe in Seokjin's direction, ignoring the green paint splattered on his leg and chest. Dirt clods fly into the air around Seokjin, who shakes his head disapprovingly.

"Hyung."

Namjoon hums to acknowledge Jeongguk, scoping for good cover to advance towards.

"Is that... I think they're using real bullets." He isn't using the comms, leaning slightly toward Namjoon.

"They are." There's a flash of pale blue armor through the trees and Namjoon grins. Next target.

"This isn't a fucking live fire exercise," hisses Jeongguk, fingers tight on his rifle. "This is supposed to be a game."

Namjoon pauses. Glances over at their youngest teammate. "Odds are never going to be in our favour, Guk-ah." He gently taps his rifle against Jeongguk's and smiles encouragingly at him, even though he can't see it. "Don't let it surprise you; just be _better_. I know you are."

"Shit, we all are," huffs Jimin, dropping in behind them. He lowers his rifle to clap Jeongguk's shoulder and shake the young man for a moment. "These fucktrumpet Blood Gulch boys have nothing on us. Just have fun and avoid the bullets!" He fondly pats Namjoon's helmet and then darts away with a whoop.

Namjoon snickers, rising into a crouch. He can still see the pale blue armour, can just make out the sound of someone whining in English. "Don't get shot, okay?"

"Paintballs versus real fucking painful bullets, hyung," he snorts, staying hunkered behind the boulder.

"Don't die, at least," shrugs Namjoon. "We like you too much, Jeongguk-ah." He cradles his rifle, finger resting light on the trigger. With a sharp grin, he laughs, "Wanna bet they don't have anyone guarding the flag?"

Jeongguk echoes his bark of laughter and Namjoon knows the kid is wearing a similarly toothy grin, probably plotting out the best route inside the Blues and Reds' unprotected base. Ignoring Yoongi and Hoseok screaming gleefully about taking out the Red sergeant, he calls, "Have fun, hyung; don't die!"

Well. It's not like he plans on getting shot, but live fire accidents happen. Lucky for them, their opposing team is exuberantly shit-tastic at their jobs.

"Meet you at the flag, Guk-ah!" he hollers back, ducking into a sprint, gaze fixed on the loitering fool in the adjacent trees. That pale Blue is _his_.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a gift for the stellar Ran. I tried to make this goofy enough. Love you, dearest bro!
> 
> Drop a comment below, or poke at me on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/morelenmir) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/morelenmir) where I'm still looking for something, _anything_ , of Joon during the Osaka concerts.


End file.
